Okay, so you told me I needed to stop listening to what everybody else wants.
Stand up for yourself, it's your wedding.
I mean after all, I've changed dates, locations, colors, travel time, specific attire, venues, etc, etc,etc.
So now I am standing up and saying enough is enough. And I get bashed for it?
By the same person who told me to say stop the chaos?!
Whatever. I'm so done.
I know I'm being "petty", but you changed all the plans. You won't wear anything I choose. You're not even wearing my colors. You aren't even sticking with neutrals for crying out loud!!
All I want is a tan skirt, that's all! But NO. You just have to to wear your stupid black skirt. Which means black tights and black shoes.
Whatever. You're gonna be the one sticking out like a sore thumb your dark shade. You aren't even wearing my colors on top. You're wearing tan.
What's the point? I give up.
Now I know why there are bridezillas.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
BE MY HERO
As I crawl under my covers I don't know what to say.
This day has been the epitomy of an emotional roller coaster.
And let's just say I wasn't screaming with joy on the steep drops.
I said things I didn't want to say.
It broke my heart (as it always does) to hear the sadness in your voice.
I want to fall into a hole and be swallowed in the emotion.
When you say you need alone time, I go a thousand different ways.
You should have alone time, goodness knows we all need it! But I am selfish, I don't want you to have alone time, because I need you so desperately right now, and this contradiction leaves me in a plight.
You tell me we will talk later. I am bitter and don't want to talk later. I want to ignore you when you try to get ahold of me. But I don't. I spend hours waiting desperately for a sign that you remember me.
The sign comes. I expect you to know exactly what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. But I know that's too much to ask.
Why don't you call me?! That is what I really want. Not just some stupid text. Let me know how much I really mean to you. I know I do. But I want to hear it from your lips, not your fingers.
How does someone go about comforting when they themselves are in need of comfort? How do I keep myself from allowing the poison of bitterness to sink into my soul?
I don't want to succumb to frustration, anger, and harsh words.
If I can't be there for you in your breakdown, how do you think I will have faith you will be there for me during mine?
The truth I don't want to admit, I will always have hope.
However, I always lose faith that I will have someone there for me when I am truly in need. And so far my theory has been proven correct.
PROVE ME WRONG. DO SOMETHING DRASTIC FOR MY SAKE. GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT. SHOW ME YOUR PAIN, BE THERE FOR MINE. I PROMISE IT WON'T BE IN VAIN.
BE MY HERO.
This day has been the epitomy of an emotional roller coaster.
And let's just say I wasn't screaming with joy on the steep drops.
I said things I didn't want to say.
It broke my heart (as it always does) to hear the sadness in your voice.
I want to fall into a hole and be swallowed in the emotion.
When you say you need alone time, I go a thousand different ways.
You should have alone time, goodness knows we all need it! But I am selfish, I don't want you to have alone time, because I need you so desperately right now, and this contradiction leaves me in a plight.
You tell me we will talk later. I am bitter and don't want to talk later. I want to ignore you when you try to get ahold of me. But I don't. I spend hours waiting desperately for a sign that you remember me.
The sign comes. I expect you to know exactly what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. But I know that's too much to ask.
Why don't you call me?! That is what I really want. Not just some stupid text. Let me know how much I really mean to you. I know I do. But I want to hear it from your lips, not your fingers.
How does someone go about comforting when they themselves are in need of comfort? How do I keep myself from allowing the poison of bitterness to sink into my soul?
I don't want to succumb to frustration, anger, and harsh words.
If I can't be there for you in your breakdown, how do you think I will have faith you will be there for me during mine?
The truth I don't want to admit, I will always have hope.
However, I always lose faith that I will have someone there for me when I am truly in need. And so far my theory has been proven correct.
PROVE ME WRONG. DO SOMETHING DRASTIC FOR MY SAKE. GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT. SHOW ME YOUR PAIN, BE THERE FOR MINE. I PROMISE IT WON'T BE IN VAIN.
BE MY HERO.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A Step Into the Unknown
There is so much to say.
I can't talk to you.
You are dealing with your own issues, you asked nicely to be left alone. I can't argue with that.
But as you have some of your own time to think, so do I. And I begin to get lost in these thoughts.
I wish I could make everything better for you. I wish I could blink my eyes and be there to hold you, be your hero.
Mostly I begin to wonder about the ever-nearing future. I worry about all the things I have never experienced before.
I have never lived completely on my own before, and I've certainly never been married before.
Will I be able to handle it?
Will I be able to keep up the apartment? Will I be able and willing to cook you dinner every night?
Will I know everything I must do and say? Will I be a good wife?
Can I work for more than a few months and not give up? Does this reflect on all aspects of life? Does this mean I will get sick of marriage and give up too?
I am scared I will be too weak and whiny.
I am scared a child will come before we are ready. I am scared we will not be able to pay the bills.
I am scared I will think everything I must go through to be married will be too much to handle, and I will run away.
I am scared I will let you down. I am scared there will be infidelities. I am scared one or the both of us will give up.
All I can do is move forward. I must take a step into the unknown. For all I know, I could find all this to be silly, and have the greatest happiness I have ever known. That shouldn't be hard to make a reality, considering I have you.
I can't talk to you.
You are dealing with your own issues, you asked nicely to be left alone. I can't argue with that.
But as you have some of your own time to think, so do I. And I begin to get lost in these thoughts.
I wish I could make everything better for you. I wish I could blink my eyes and be there to hold you, be your hero.
Mostly I begin to wonder about the ever-nearing future. I worry about all the things I have never experienced before.
I have never lived completely on my own before, and I've certainly never been married before.
Will I be able to handle it?
Will I be able to keep up the apartment? Will I be able and willing to cook you dinner every night?
Will I know everything I must do and say? Will I be a good wife?
Can I work for more than a few months and not give up? Does this reflect on all aspects of life? Does this mean I will get sick of marriage and give up too?
I am scared I will be too weak and whiny.
I am scared a child will come before we are ready. I am scared we will not be able to pay the bills.
I am scared I will think everything I must go through to be married will be too much to handle, and I will run away.
I am scared I will let you down. I am scared there will be infidelities. I am scared one or the both of us will give up.
All I can do is move forward. I must take a step into the unknown. For all I know, I could find all this to be silly, and have the greatest happiness I have ever known. That shouldn't be hard to make a reality, considering I have you.
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